8.07.2012

Conversation #166: Okay, we might be homeless

I hadn't really wanted to update or talk about the house search, so I have avoided Blogland the last couple of weeks.  I am not superstitious, but I think I was afraid to talk about anything because it hasn't really been going well and I thought maybe things would turn around.  Not so much.  First of all, before I complain too much, I have to give thanks to God.  He has moved the sale of our house along so well and been so great on that end.  Let me rephrase that, He is great on all ends because He is God and is goodness and love and all of the things I need right now.  That is what I keep trying to tell myself - He is good so we are good.  I didn't come up with that. I read it on Ann Voskamp's blog, here.  You see, I know God is good.  I know He has us and we will be taken care of, but I am letting the enemy in to cause doubt.  I don't want to doubt.  I want to have faith that can move mountains - sometimes I think I used to, but these days I am not sure what to have faith in.  Let me explain...

I have faith in God.  I know that, and that is really all I need to have faith in.  However, when praying for this house stuff, I don't know if I should pray for the impossible and have full faith in that or if I should pray that God just show us His will and have full faith in that prayer.  For example, there is this house that we put an offer on (the third one if anyone is counting), but it is a long shot.  It is overpriced and we made a low ball, and we don't think the people are really motivated sell.  On top of all of that, I don't think their realtor is going to tell them it actually is a strong offer because he counted square footage he shouldn't have.  So here is my predicament - do I put all of my hope and prayers into asking for the impossible?  I like asking God for the impossible for me because I know it is possible for Him.  I like seeing how He does it, and I truly believe He can still make this house thing work in light of the impossibles.  However, if this isn't the right house for us, I don't want to pray for it to work and try to force it on my end because I know if it isn't it, then that means He has another something planned for us that will be AMAZING!  So do I pray and trust God to do the impossible with the one house on the market my husband is willing to buy or do I pray for Him to do the other impossible and put a new house on the market and guide us to it?  I have no idea.  Or do I pray He does the other impossible and miraculously fix the two other houses we liked (one we loved) that aren't 100% safe?

See, this is why I haven't typed.  To spare you from the chaos in my brain because right now I have no answers.  I am trying to be patient and wait on God, but I have no answers.  We close on our house in 3 weeks and 3 days, and right now we have no home to go to.

I know we have friends and family that will take us in, and moving furniture multiple times won't be fun, but that is pretty much a first world problem.  I think I need to just keep it all in perspective.  This isn't just about a house though.  You see, the husband doesn't want to try for kids until we are settled.  I get that on the responsibility side, but then I wonder if God will wait to find us a home until we start following His plan and not ours for children.  Lastly, the house we are selling was our first house, and we definitely made it a home.  We have gone through a lot in the last five years in the house, and I love it dearly.  I wasn't really ready to move, but I think I thought as long as I have our next home to look forward to, it will be okay.  Again, these are all pretty silly things to worry about, and I hope I grow and learn to not worry and just trust.  Maybe typing it out has helped me, I don't know.  Let's be honest - I think way too much for my own good and I can think myself into so many problems, it really isn't funny.  I often feel like my brain is on the verge of exploding with thought.  Sometimes I wonder if I am on the verge of genius and one wrong move will push me over the edge into crazy?  Does that make sense?  I don't actually think I am a genius and super smart, but sometimes I feel like my brain fires on so many levels that if I could harness it I might be able to do something amazing with it, but instead I am that person whose brain just turns them to crazy. 

Clearly I am thinking too much again so I best stop.  If you read all of this, you deserve a gold star - I'll put it on my imaginary chart.  Maybe next time I come back, I'll have some sort of news to share.