6.29.2015

Conversation #202: Hello or Goodbye?

I feel like I am at a crossroads with blogging.  Honestly, I have been there for a few months now.  I started blogging back when my husband was in law school, and I had a lot of free time on my hands.  Funny how it didn't seem like it back then, but don't our post-children selves always laugh at our pre-children selves that thought we were beyond busy and pressed for time?

I was looking through Bloglovin today trying to organize all of my saved posts and decided to click on the analytics tab.  I have 10 followers.  I can't believe I even have that many, and who knows if they are even active blog readers in general anymore.  From there, I clicked onto my actual blog, that has sat dormant for over a year.  To be more specific, almost 16 months.  I started reading some of the most recent posts and kind of remembered how much I actually did enjoy blogging.  I think, just for the outlet to write and get out thoughts in my head, not so much intending for others to read it and be inspired.  When I started doing it for that, it wasn't fun anymore because I knew I couldn't measure up.

I love a good DIY project and fashion is more fun to me than it should be.  I think my kid is adorable (and have another on the way), but I am no parenting pro.  As much as I love to peruse Pinterest and "pin" things, it also makes me feel equal parts bad and anxious because I have little time to do much beyond surviving.  That in of itself makes me feel bad.  People in the world struggle with "real" stuff.  I struggle to take care of my one child, self, husband, job, and house.  How on earth am I going to care for two kiddos?  I feel exhausted and behind ALL OF THE TIME. Why can't I get my stuff together?

I really hoped to gain friendships from blogging because I seem to lack that skill in my real life.  I guess it was easier to be real through blogging first ,but then it really doesn't satisfy that desire to sit on the couch and talk while our kids play. I mean, I have "friends," acquaintances, but I have always craved having that person, couple, group who knows me best ala the show Friends, but heck, even they went their different ways in the end.  Perhaps I struggle with endings.  I had an awesome group of girlfriends through most of high school, and although I would still jump at the chance to see them, our lives have us scattered across the US, in different stages with paths that rarely cross.  I could also call them more often, but I generally assume I am bothering people other than my mom and sisters who I probably call too much anyway.  I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

Anyway, I am thinking about blogging again just as an outlet.  Seems like a better place than Facebook, because there it is kind of forced upon people.  Here, if you care, you can read, if not, I still got to get it out.  No harm, no foul I hope.

I have no idea how often or what will come out.  I know blogs of mostly words probably don't appeal to too many, but sometimes I just don't think pictures fit.  I already have full-time jobs (motherhood, wife, oh and the one that actually pays me, engineer) so I am not looking for blogging to become my income or gain me instant fame.  I just feel like I have so many conversations with myself or possibly my husband, that it might feel nice to share it elsewhere until I have that awesome friend that wants to come sit in my messy house in her jeans and t-shirt while our kids destroy the perceived order and peace.  If that is you, let me know and you are more than welcomed to come right over :)

Otherwise, welcome back to my conversations, however one-sided they are.  My family always told me I didn't really need someone else on the other side to talk back, but it would be nice sometimes, too.