6.20.2012

Conversation #159: God is bigger than the PE

God is amazing.  Did you know that?  I have shared my spiritual journey here many times over the last couple of months - the journey God has had me on, but I just want to share more as it keeps growing.  I have known this for a little over a three weeks now, but I wasn't quite sure how I wanted to post it.  I got the PE exam results back, and.....I PASSED!!!

I can't tell you how grateful, happy, and excited I am.  I felt such a peace while taking the exam and even after because I literally felt the Holy Spirit there with me.  However, the enemy was trying to rob that peace from me as the weeks ticked by so I had to try to take every thought captive to the Lord.  I knew whatever the outcome was, it was God's will because I finally gave that test to Him and relied on Him to pass it. 

You see, I am reading this book and going through a study with some lovely friends from my church, and it talks about having to break your Outer Man to let your Inner Man rule.  I have to stop trying to control things in life and live for myself, but instead let God break that and rely on Him.  I am still learning and growing in this, but I am so glad I am learning it now (and not 30 years from now). 

The hubby and I had originally "planned" to start trying to get pregnant after I found out the results to my PE exam.  However, about two weeks before I got the results back, He said "no children." At first I was shocked and angry (this didn't all happen in the best way possible), but eventually we talked it all out and I learned that God was just telling him "not now."  This was huge for me to accept and hear because it just confirmed all over again that God is breaking my outer man.  I hear Him asking me, "Do you trust me?  Do trust in my timing?  Will you let me be in control?"

For the last 27 years of my life (so that is pretty much my whole life), I have mostly done things on my terms.  I just wouldn't really even ask God to tell me when - sometimes I did, but for the most part I had a schedule and we were ticking right along.  Then BAM!  No kids.  I won't lie.  This was hard for me at first.  I felt like I lost my dream.  But after a lot of praying and listening, I realized I didn't lose my dream for children, I just lost MY plan and now I would follow HIS plan.  It is actually pretty freeing and comforting to know I am letting God be in control instead of struggling to take it from Him.

It is funny, because just in the last week or so, hubby has grown closer to wanting children soon now.  I won't say God can't work in a couple of weeks, but even so, I am still just relying on Him for the timing.  Even if we started trying, which we haven't yet, God is most definitely in control and will make it happen when He wants it to.  I want to remember that because I am a control freak and sort of stress and freak out easily when things aren't going how I planned, and I think doing that while trying to get pregnant will make it slightly horrible for us.  Instead, I just want to let go and let God.  When He blesses us, it will be right.

That is all.  This took me a while to write for some odd reason, and there is probably a lot I forgot to say, but I wanted to get this out there and post something since it has been a few weeks (busy ones I might add).  Also, I have been so tired lately so my outfits have been sort of lack luster so nothing too exciting to post.  The rest of our summer is less busy (well after July 14 - baby shower for my sis) so hopefully I'll be less tired and more motivated to type!  Until then - take care, readers :)

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