10.05.2012

Conversation #170: The unknown

Who has a fear of the unknown?  Raise your hand? You can bet both arms and legs and head and anything else I can raise is waving around in the air like I just don't care (okay, I digress, and I do care - far too much).  Lindsey (who writes a blog I love and have been reading for years now) talked about her fear in a recent post and it really resonated with me.  Click on her name to read the post.

So my biggest fear is of the unknown, and specifically right now, the end of the world.  Oh yeah, you know, no big thing.  I hate this, because as a Believer, I KNOW God is in control and NO ONE knows when Jesus will be returning.  God is not putting thoughts of fear and anxiety in my mind, but satan is.  I am allowing him to rob me of the joy and freedom I have being a new creation in Christ.  I just want him to leave, and I know I need to just turn my heart to Jesus and just meditate on Him and He will banish satan out.  Somedays it feels like a losing battle though;  like all I day I am just saying "Jesus, give me peace," over and over.

I read this book a couple of years ago that talked about end time prophecy and the like; it is actually a great book and I recommend it, and at the time actually gave me some peace about the end times, but also gave me more knowledge of prophecies in Revelation so I feel like I am constantly on edge hearing about issues in the middle east.  Then I try to remind myself that this is not the first time there has been conflict in the middle east, and I had a fairly strong fear about 3 years ago the world was going to end before I got to meet my nephew.  He is 3 and a half now so clearly I was wrong.  I don't think I actually know, I just worry because I don't know.  Does any of this make sense?

You see, I have always worried about this.  I remember being younger and praying, "Lord, just let me learn how to drive first.  Lord, just let me have my first kiss.  Lord, just let me graduate high school.  Lord, just let me get married."  Then the pleading kind of stopped.  Now, my biggest plea, is "Lord, let me get to have a baby first."  Isn't this just silly?  I know Heaven will be better than ALL of that, but my silly fleshly human mind just can't quite be okay with that.  Then I get mad at myself for wanting to wait so long to have a baby, and then I fall back into law/judgement/legalism and convince myself this is my punishment for trying to have a baby on my time.  That isn't how God works, and I need to remember that.  I need to remember "that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night" (1 Thessalonians 5:2) and to "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34) 

I just need to remember to focus today.  The now.  In the meantime, I will just fervently pray that all will come to know Christ (and selfishly, my family and friends that don't).

On a completely silly note, I am also worried that we won't finish house projects and get to enjoy them - which is 100% CRAZY, and I will let go of that.  Honestly, I need to remember to take the house one day at a time too.  We did get a washer and dryer (so our clothes won't smell) and a new light fixture up in our bathroom.  Hopefully by Tuesday I will finally get to eat and drink cold foods again too!







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