2.19.2014

Conversation #198: The Judger has become the Judged

Hello?  Is this thing on?  Anyone out there?

Probably not.  Let's be honest...you all probably thought I died or something.  Okay, I might be being a bit dramatic, but I really fell off this blogging thing.  I actually had really decided to just quit for now.  I was/am cool with that because when I started blogging I had a lot more free time, but then I realized today that I was needing an outlet for thoughts.  There is only so much you can/should post of Facebook before it looks like you are trying to get pity and since I maybe have 1.5 readers left you can easily ignore my ramblings if you so choose.

Guilt.  Oh the ways that feeling encompasses so much of my life these days as a mother.  It is horrible, not what God wants for me, yet I just can't seem to shake it.  Let me just say - motherhood is hard.  Would I change it?  No way.  Do I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and inadequate most days?  Yep.

I think this is just normal when you have a new baby, but I feel like I am under performing in about every area of my life.  And let's not even talk about the comparison world of motherhood.  Oh wait, actually I want to.  See I used to judge moms and parenting choices before I became one.  All I can say -SORRY.  I am so sorry to everyone that I tried to give advice to or had a judgmental thought about you because honestly, you do what you have to get by.  I get it now.

I also feel isolated.  Is that normal?  Maybe it is because so many of my friends (especially mom friends) don't work.  Yes, being a SAHM is a job.  But it isn't the same kind of work as a mom who has to leave the house everyday.  I had maternity leave and at that point I was sure I would never make it as a SAHM.  It was hard. I think it is hard job, but now that I am almost 4 months into being back at work, I have decided this is really hard too.  There is that guilt thing again - I miss my little boy something fierce when I have to say good-bye in the morning.  I know he is well cared for during the day so that helps.    However, I can't nap when he naps during the day, and I don't get to do fun things with him.  I feel like during the work week  I barely get to see him, other than during the wee hours of the night, and therefore I am exhausted.  I feel like I have nothing left for the husband, friends, or myself.  Again, I know this is all worth it.  I just feel alone.

I see Facebook photos of friends doing fun things together with their babies during the day, and I guess most of them don't want to do weekend things because that is time with Dad.  I get that, but it makes me sad.  We also waited until later than a lot of our friends to have kids and now I feel like we were left behind.  I thought when our baby was finally born maybe we would be welcomed back into that world, but not really.  I guess our kids had to be the same age or something.  My support group/Bible study started meeting on Friday mornings.  It worked better for everyone else, but I miss it so much.  I know I need to make an effort to reach out to friends if I want to see them, but I am just so exhausted between work, the lack of sleep, and trying to keep our house clean enough to not be condemned by the local authorities.

Okay, now you can slap me for complaining because here is what I know:  God is good/great/enough - HE is all I need.  HE gave me an amazing husband that has been so supportive through life and loves me even at my worse.  HE gave me an incredible baby that just lights up my world, and I know there are so many out there longing for one of their own.  These are the days when I need to cling to God harder because I am weak and about to break on my own, but He is sufficient.  He is enough.  He will uphold me.

God I need you today, this hour, this minute.  I am weak.  Thank you for this:

2 comments:

Gail said...

And you thought nobody was reading. ;) Nope- I am! :) Jessica, this is what I love about you---you're sooo honest!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and making the rest of the world feel more sane because we're all in this together and sometimes it just ain't pretty or easy. I so appreciate you. And on the guilt thing- I totally understand that because I feel guilty every day. I think Satan knows I'm a perfectionist so he's always trying to find areas where I'm failing and making me feel bad about them. :/ I know at the end of the day I'm doing my best, I love my children, and if everybody is fed and taken care of, we're ok. :) Oh, and I hate that you feel isolated!! I'm going to sound redundant here--but I'd LOVE to get together with you! Let's pick a night/weekend and do this!

Hugs,
Gail

Holly said...

So sorry you are feeling isolated! I wish we lived near you so we could hang out more! At least we can still talk on the phone! When is a good time for you to talk?