Skip to main content

Conversation #153: This is a bad day

So I think I have realized I'm not really a daily blogger these days.  That may change in the future, but for now, it is what it is.  I have some light-hearted posts in the works, but today is just a real one.  I am struggling today, and I just need to get my thoughts out of my head.  I'm hoping that will end the pain and keep me from continually mulling over it all.

The wonderful, underlying cause to a lot of my sadness right now is that lovely time of the month.  I have always struggled with huge hormonal changes during my p-----, and some months are just worse than others.  This is one reason I'm terrified to have a child.  I worry that my hormones will be out of control and make me a horrible crazy person all of the time.  I dread that week of placebo pills every month.  Not only do my hormones get the best of me, but I also get migraines during that time.  I really am afraid of trying to get pregnant (but I'm hoping the surge of hormones once I am will balance me out again - here's hoping anyway).

I lost it last night on my poor husband.  It wasn't the first, and sadly probably won't be the last, but it was a pretty bad moment of crazy for me.  If you have been reading my blog for a while, you probably know I over share.  If you know me in real life, you know I'm a pretty open book (especially when asked).  I think that is because I have felt like so many women struggle with similar things, but aren't open, and then it makes me feel more crazy.  I guess I hope that if my being open and honest lets another woman know she isn't alone, well then I can take the embarrassment others might shy away from (which I think is probably "normal" to shy away from it).

Okay, so back to my bad crazy.  I was working on refinishing a dresser (hopefully that will be posted on here soon) and the husband told me he intended me to put the drawer pulls on differently, and I seriously lost it.  I went off on him about that and so many other things (things that I have been upset over before but wouldn't rattle me on a normal non hormonal day).  Eventually I told him I wanted him to leave and go back to his office, but then when he did I realized I didn't really want him to leave, just want to make him mad.  I tried to get him to stay, but he left.  Not sure I blame him.  I was mad, angry, embarrassed, hurt...the list goes on.  However, I couldn't even cry.  I wrote a pure apology email (tried to enlist a little humor) and instead it ended poorly.  We haven't really talked much since then.

Then during my weekly staff meeting, I got a text from my mother that a dear lady to me had passed away.  I was shocked and sad.  I couldn't cry then. 

My boss brought donuts to the meeting.  I am an emotional eater (just one of the many things I'm trying to work on) and I tried to resist, but eventually gave in, and now feel guilty about it.

I finally went home for lunch, and my husband was there.  We didn't talk.  I finally was able to cry - so I did so quietly, alone, in our bedroom. 

I hurt my husband.  I get that he is still wounded.  I rebound quicker than him.  I forgive easier.  I know I have to give him time, but it just hurts and makes me want to eat more comfort food.  Then I just feel bad, etc.  The vicious cycle.  I have prayed a lot.  I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede and mend this.  I have prayed for His power to heal my hurt and to help me not succumb to the hormones of my flesh.  I have prayed for Him to remove my anger.  I have prayed for help in eating better.  But I haven't prayed enough, and that is what I just want to keep doing.  Now that I know Him differently and more intimately, I want to know Him more.  So that is where I go from here.  I want to fall to my knees and cry out to Him - He is the only one who can mend a broken heart and spirit.  In Him, I am a new creation.  I am made whole.  I am His.

Comments

Holly said…
Awww, Jess. So sad for you. Your heart is so open and repentant. But I know it is no fun being in that place where you are with your emotions. I will be praying for you guys. It is neat to see how this drives you to Jesus to "fall to your knees and cry out to him." Maybe this happened just for that reason. So you could see first hand how walking more closely with Him is changing you!! Awesome!!
Stori said…
I've been there :(. Send me an email at slwann@gmail.com if you have time... I have been struggling with the exact same issue and I would love to chat with someone about it!

Popular posts from this blog

Conversation #114: Wardrobe Checklist (and retail detox update)

I read something a while back that sort of spurred me into thinking I needed to do this whole retail detox thing.  I'm just going to get it out there - it has been way hard for me and I'm super embarrassed and disappointed by that.  I did well for the first two weeks, and then I got into this buying and returning things habit because I felt bad after buying it.  I told myself that I could still buy things, but only with extra money I earned from ebay.  That worked for a while too, but then I caved to the Lands' End Canvas sale last weekend.  I bought three tees, a skirt, and a cardigan.  I think that all but maybe one tee will be going back and hopefully I can stop this extra shopping. 

Okay, back to the "thing" I read...

It was an article in Real Simple magazine targeted at helping you never buy the wrong thing again.  It has great tips in it, and the wardrobe checklist it includes really brought it all back home to me.  I started going through the checklist an…

Conversation #204: My Jesus...

Oh Facebook and social media of all kinds...we have a love hate/relationship.  Lately, these days, I feel it is more hate only because I allow myself to be depressed by things I see.  I recently told someone the other day that I had lost faith in humanity, and then it hit me, that is exactly where I should be.  We are a fallen people in a fallen world, and I should have NO faith in humanity.  Why did that take me 30 years to figure out?

So there has been a lot of political/social stuff swirling around, and division among Christians, and I hate it.  Like I said, I have no faith in humanity and realizing that was a good reminder it should ALL be in the Lord.  Even though there are definitely things going on in this world that reject the truth of the Gospel, Jesus, the thing that scares me the most these days is the phrase I alluded to in the title: "my Jesus wouldn't believe this" or "I can't follow a God that would say that" or "I just don't believe…

Conversation #205: About Me

Hello!

I have no idea how often I will escape to this place, but since I recently added this ol' blog address to my Instagram Profile, I thought maybe I should dust her off and welcome any new readers.

I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head CONSTANTLY that maybe this would be a good spot again to release them, and keep me from online shopping too much during my lunch break ;)  I hear a faint AMEN from my husband.

Anyway, the title of my blog may lead people to make snap judgments about me or my beliefs, which is unfortunate, but also the society we live in at the moment.  First, it created a sort of catchy blog name, and I liked it.  And, yes, I am a conservative, but that label has sooooo many different meanings depending on what media outlet you last listened to so I thought maybe I would use this post to re-introduce myself to old friends and share a bit about how I have grown in the last few years.

I am Christian, Jesus Follower, Believer, Daughter of the King - w…