5.15.2012

Conversation #153: This is a bad day

So I think I have realized I'm not really a daily blogger these days.  That may change in the future, but for now, it is what it is.  I have some light-hearted posts in the works, but today is just a real one.  I am struggling today, and I just need to get my thoughts out of my head.  I'm hoping that will end the pain and keep me from continually mulling over it all.

The wonderful, underlying cause to a lot of my sadness right now is that lovely time of the month.  I have always struggled with huge hormonal changes during my p-----, and some months are just worse than others.  This is one reason I'm terrified to have a child.  I worry that my hormones will be out of control and make me a horrible crazy person all of the time.  I dread that week of placebo pills every month.  Not only do my hormones get the best of me, but I also get migraines during that time.  I really am afraid of trying to get pregnant (but I'm hoping the surge of hormones once I am will balance me out again - here's hoping anyway).

I lost it last night on my poor husband.  It wasn't the first, and sadly probably won't be the last, but it was a pretty bad moment of crazy for me.  If you have been reading my blog for a while, you probably know I over share.  If you know me in real life, you know I'm a pretty open book (especially when asked).  I think that is because I have felt like so many women struggle with similar things, but aren't open, and then it makes me feel more crazy.  I guess I hope that if my being open and honest lets another woman know she isn't alone, well then I can take the embarrassment others might shy away from (which I think is probably "normal" to shy away from it).

Okay, so back to my bad crazy.  I was working on refinishing a dresser (hopefully that will be posted on here soon) and the husband told me he intended me to put the drawer pulls on differently, and I seriously lost it.  I went off on him about that and so many other things (things that I have been upset over before but wouldn't rattle me on a normal non hormonal day).  Eventually I told him I wanted him to leave and go back to his office, but then when he did I realized I didn't really want him to leave, just want to make him mad.  I tried to get him to stay, but he left.  Not sure I blame him.  I was mad, angry, embarrassed, hurt...the list goes on.  However, I couldn't even cry.  I wrote a pure apology email (tried to enlist a little humor) and instead it ended poorly.  We haven't really talked much since then.

Then during my weekly staff meeting, I got a text from my mother that a dear lady to me had passed away.  I was shocked and sad.  I couldn't cry then. 

My boss brought donuts to the meeting.  I am an emotional eater (just one of the many things I'm trying to work on) and I tried to resist, but eventually gave in, and now feel guilty about it.

I finally went home for lunch, and my husband was there.  We didn't talk.  I finally was able to cry - so I did so quietly, alone, in our bedroom. 

I hurt my husband.  I get that he is still wounded.  I rebound quicker than him.  I forgive easier.  I know I have to give him time, but it just hurts and makes me want to eat more comfort food.  Then I just feel bad, etc.  The vicious cycle.  I have prayed a lot.  I have prayed for the Holy Spirit to intercede and mend this.  I have prayed for His power to heal my hurt and to help me not succumb to the hormones of my flesh.  I have prayed for Him to remove my anger.  I have prayed for help in eating better.  But I haven't prayed enough, and that is what I just want to keep doing.  Now that I know Him differently and more intimately, I want to know Him more.  So that is where I go from here.  I want to fall to my knees and cry out to Him - He is the only one who can mend a broken heart and spirit.  In Him, I am a new creation.  I am made whole.  I am His.

2 comments:

Holly said...

Awww, Jess. So sad for you. Your heart is so open and repentant. But I know it is no fun being in that place where you are with your emotions. I will be praying for you guys. It is neat to see how this drives you to Jesus to "fall to your knees and cry out to him." Maybe this happened just for that reason. So you could see first hand how walking more closely with Him is changing you!! Awesome!!

Stori said...

I've been there :(. Send me an email at slwann@gmail.com if you have time... I have been struggling with the exact same issue and I would love to chat with someone about it!