4.29.2010

A Coversation about Insecurity

If you read any of the blogs I do, you will probably assume I'm about to share about my amazing weekend in Atlanta hearing Beth Moore speak.  Unfortunately you will not.  I guess I acould tell you about all of the yard work I did this weekend, but that really isn't too amazing.

Instead,  I'm sad because I didn't get to go to Atlanta and meet all of these amazing women. I shouldn't be, and I'm so glad that they all had such wonderful fellowship together.  Now I wouldn't have been able to go even if I wanted to, but I'm pretty sure my insecurity would have paralyzed me from going anyway.

This post could easily get too long and depressing so I'm going to try and avoid that.  Instead I will try to share these brief thoughts.  I used to be EXTREMELY insecure. I mean so bad I would literalluy ask my parents and friends multiple times a day if they loved/liked me - no exaggeration.

I have no idea how I came out of that other than through the love of God shown to me by mother.  It was a long road, and I do still struggle during periods of my life.  I think for some reason blogging is one of those areas.  This is why I have struggled so much over the last few months with whether or not to keep blogging.

Okay, some clarification.  I watch the blogs of my favorite readers grow and gorw while mine seemed stagnant. I read about them meeting each other and forming these amazing everlasting relationships, and I don't even hardly talk to the one blogging friend I did make (my bad, not hers!)  I think I feel so insecure in myself (which I'm learning by reading the Atlanta accounts is very selfish) that I think I'm too afraid to meet people or don't even know how to do it.  Also, most of the bloggers I read often don't exactly live close by anyway.  Plus, I'm afraid people wouldn't like the real me even though I try to be "me" on this blog.

I think maybe I just need to start focusing on God and praying for direction with friendships and blogging and not worry so much.  I guess I would ultimately rather have 10 really close blog friends and followers than hundreds I can't keep up with.  I guess I just need to remember this isn't a popularity thing for anyone else so why I do worry about who likes me or not.

Man, I really wish I could have been in Atlanta to hear Beth - that is the part I need most, probably before I can even be a good friend. Tthanks for sticking through this crazy look into my overactive thought process.

2 comments:

Across the Pond said...

Hey girl, I have felt the exact. same. way. with my blog. You are such a good writer on your blog and you should know that you are one of my favorite blogs to read even if there aren't always comments from me :)You are appreciated here in the blog universe!

Erin said...

I know just what you mean. I often find myself getting discouraged if no one comments on my blog, I don't get new followers, etc. I have to remind myself all the time that I started this blog to keep me busy for the few hours each morning when I can't really get anything work-related accomplished. That's it. It's not a popularity thing, and shouldn't stress me out. It's supposed to be for me. For fun. But it isn't always that easy.. boo.

But I agree with Across the Pond, you are appreciated!!