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Conversation #145: Where I am now...

So on this journey I am learning to go to God and the Holy Spirit whenever I need Him - especially when I start hearing lies from satan and most of them come in some sort of fear.  I have been feeling very fearful and overwhelmed and worried about this PE exam coming up.  I want to pass so badly, and I fear that I won't.  I finally realized last week that I was feeling this anxiety because I was trying to deal with it and not give it to God.  I asked for the Holy Spirit to come in and take over, and He did!  Here is an email I sent to my Bible study gals because we are supposed to share His work with each other.  I am just going to let you read it so I don't have to try and type it all again.  This is where I am now:

Hi Ladies!  I hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday!

I had just a couple of things I wanted to share, and I was afraid if I waited until tomorrow night I would forget it, plus a couple of things are links to a website I wanted to share.

As you all know because I have probably shared it too much, hearing and knowing the Holy Spirit is a very new thing to me, but being around all of you and learning how to hear Him and sense Him more has already been impacting my life.  It is crazy, because I think I thought it might be a long road (and in a way I guess it has been since it has taken me so long to open my ears and eyes) but all I had to do was ask for Him and He was there. 

The last couple of days I have been feeling very panicked, anxious, and overwhelmed preparing for this stupid exam.  In fact, I would say I was sort of freaking out.  Then it hit me this morning in the shower that I hadn't been filling that middle part of me with the Holy Spirit (or pushing out the clutter to allow Him to be there) but rather was holding on tightly to my ability or lack thereof to feel better and peaceful.  I was struggling with a migraine this morning when I woke up, and I just felt like I couldn't even face the day, but somehow I made it to the shower and just prayed that God and the Holy Spirit would come in and release it, and He did!!!  I think I have been afraid to pray like that before, but I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed and panicked because I hadn't spent time with Him for the last couple of days.  I asked for Him to relieve the headache and release me of the fears in my heart because I had just read this article in my google reader before I got in the shower:

The last two paragraphs just felt like God speaking to me :

Jesus warns them that he will soon be leaving them.  But he promises that "the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you" (John 14:26).  On this basis, he assures them: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (v. 27).

Why is your heart "troubled" or "afraid" today?  Name your fear and surrender it to the Holy Spirit living in you (1 Corinthians 3:16).  Ask him to remind you of Jesus' words and teach you what you should do.  As we begin this season of preparation which culminates in Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday, claim the fact that Jesus chose to die for you, that he is alive and praying for you at this moment (Romans 8:34).  Remember that ashes on foreheads will soon wear off, but your crucified and risen Lord will be with you to the end of the world (Matthew 28:20).  And claim his peace

Quick sidenote, I found this blog/website actually from the men's retreat last year.  Husband came home just really inspired by what Jim Denison had shared at the men's retreat last year, and I began reading his daily commentary.  On so many occasions I have felt blessed by it and thought that God was just speaking through it to tell me something I needed.  I am now realizing that is the power of the Holy Spirit.  Anyway, I recommend checking it out if you have minute.

In fact, I also thought his post yesterday was really great and it felt like it was so much about what we have been studying on Thursday nights about not worrying about man's approval and knowing that Christ redeemed and delivered even little ol' me, the sinner.

I really liked these parts: (you should probably read it all to get the gist, but these are the parts that spoke to me:

How different would history be if God gave up on us as quickly as we give up on each other?  Would Moses have died a fugitive in the wilderness?  Would David's adultery have ended his rule and legacy?  Would Peter have forfeited his apostleship for his Maundy Thursday cowardice?  Would Saul of Tarsus have been known as the Apostle Paul?  Would the exiled Apostle John have given us the Revelation?

Where has discouragement been at work in your soul this week?

William Shakespeare warned that "our doubts are like traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt."  Thomas Edison, himself no stranger to failed experiments and personal challenges, observed that "many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Our Father is in the business of reclaiming and redeeming our failures and frustrations for his glory and our good.  His statement to Paul is his promise to us: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

So don't trust the world's opinion of your aptitudes and capacities.  The only opinion that matters is that of your Maker and King.  Step out today by faith as you obey the last word you heard from him, knowing that you cannot measure the eternal significance of present faithfulness.  Edmund Burke was right: "Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."  That's because a little with God endures forever.
All of this has just been what I have needed to hear from Him to stop fearing this exam and making it more than it is.  I think sometimes I have been afraid to accept or think that I might not pass this exam, but I am realizing that if I am listening to Him, that worry doesn't even matter.  Plus, He has brought me this far in this journey and He already knows the desires of my heart, and I'll do my best, but what really matters is where I am with Him.

As I was walking into work late this morning (due to the migraine) He also put this quote on my heart that I actually have hanging on my cubicle wall, "Peace is not the absence of trouble but the presence of God." - J. Oswalt Chambers

I realized my peace was gone the last few days because I had shoved too many other things and didn't let God push out.  My worry was from an absence of God (not that He left me but that I left Him).

Anyway, I apologize for this long email, but our leader encouraged us to share when the Holy Spirit is speaking to us and just felt like I had to share this and it would be too hard to share these passages tomorrow night and remember it all as I felt Him sharing with me today.

Okay, that is all.  I am horrible at finishing up conversations and emails and I could ramble on forever so I am just going to stop myself.

I hope you all get to hear from Him today.  I can't wait to see you all tomorrow evening!

The awesome thing is that the Holy Spirit keeps giving me those reassurances where I need them right now in this exam journey, and I know I couldn't make it through without Him. 

So that is basically it now.  I just really need to go back through my journey and see how God has lead me to here.  I can't wait to keep seeing how my life is while relying on God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit.

I pray you know His power and have a blessed day!


chelsey said…
I love this! Praise God - the Holy Spirit is incredible and is doing good works in you.
Holly said…
I loved reading all these posts and am so excited for you!!! It made me think more about the Holy Spirit's work in my life and just how profound it has been. I guess I have taken it for granted, but hearing about your experience makes me realize how amazing it is to realize this precious gift to us. I remember a sermon growing up that has always stuck with me. I can't remember the reference, but Jesus says that the gift of his Spirit to his disciples is BETTER than his physical presence with them! Can you imagine that?! That God says it is better to be filled with his spirit than to sit next to a living breathing Jesus Christ! I need to read through the gospels and find the verse, but I have always remembered the principle. I can't wait to hear about other ways God uses His spirit to minister to you.

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